I’ve always enjoyed watching him from afar.
Along with other fans, I was one of them. Bystander as some would call. I’m a nobody. Though I never really cheered for him cause I was too shy to join the raging crowd behind him, but I’m dying to. For some I’m just a mere observer.
Then at a split second, everything was over. As if the entire universe was running under batteries and it went off suddenly, just like that. No one could say a word. What used to be the roaring crowd went cold, colder as ice. They were dumbfounded. I, too. I wanted to make a move as soon as everyone decided to turn their backs and pose their dismayed faces, but I was too frozen to move cause I was disappointed too. I couldn’t murmur a single word, my hands were cold, and my feet was glued to where I’m standing on.
Everything happened so fast, it won’t sink in. I couldn’t move cause I don’t know what to do.
Caliel grabbed my hand. Then I immediately come back to my senses. I looked at his gloomy face. Chagrin. But the moment our eyes met he immediately put on my favorite smile of his. What I wouldn’t give to see that smile, it’s my drug. It takes me high every time I’ll get a glimpse of it. Even if he’s faking it at times, just like what he’s doing now, it’s still one of the most beautiful things I had ever laid my eyes on.
"Well, time to get you home", he said, still with the intoxicating smile on his face.
"Sure.", I faked mine too.
No one was talking. I can see his reflection from the shops’ windows we happened to pass by on our way to the train station. He was looking from afar. His expression was blank.
We bought tickets and rode the train.
There were no seats available, so we just stood up for the entire journey. I was terrible at doing this: balancing myself on a moving train with nothing to hold on to. So I just put my arms around him to keep myself from falling.
We reached our destination. Still quiet.
The night was dark, only a few people left on the streets. The lights were dimmed. I can feel the cold humid air running through my skin.
I finally had something to say.
"You know, it’s me right? I’m the one who’s holding you back in achieving your dreams. You can’t focus because of me. I want you to be up there, living your dream.”
He just looked straight to my eyes. Another smile was given. I found my solace. He gave me a warm hug, and kissed me on the cheek. And left without saying a word.
I feel miserable. Maybe it was really me. He just doesn’t have the courage to say it to me, cause he doesn’t want to give me the feeling of being blamed for his shortcomings.
But still I can feel the burden. Its weight is pulling me down, slowly but surely, down to guilt. I can feel the lump in my throat.
My phone beeped. It was him.
"You’re my dream."